There is an famous Zen saying, “Form is Emptiness and Emptiness is Form.” Everything is changing all the time. Our bodies. Our minds. Our opinions. How do we keep it together?
One word: Rules.
Rules are designed to bring order to the chaotic communication that happens in any meeting of fragile, fickle humans. They help take the emotion out of the discussion. Rules are a delicate vessel to hold corrosive conflict. Love them or hate them, we all still need them.
But rules can change as well. They are ultimately empty too. Rules are only good if people follow them. And to make sure people follow them, they have to respect the values behind them. Values like: fairness, civility, respect, selflessness, generosity, compassion and duty to the larger group.
Rules aren’t about what you “can” and “cannot” do. They are ultimately about what you “should” and “should not” do to manifest these values.
If we want to live in a civil society then we need to respect the rules of debate and the values that underlie them. Without fair rules – there is no respect – just empty words.
We can’t wait until it’s over. All the drama. All the rancor. Even when things seem calm, we still seem to be spending all our time thinking about it. The crown of leadership can weigh so heavy for so long. We spend so much time putting out fires that we never think about what you are going to do when we finally finish our time in office.
And then it happens. Suddenly. Either we don’t win reelection, or our term is up, or it becomes too much and we simply step down. But what then? It can be a disorienting feeling.
The ties still bind
There are usually two reactions: avoidance or clinging. The problem is that even if we try to avoid thinking about our time in office or ignoring the current drama that the organization is embroiled in, we are still hooked in some way. We spend a lot of time thinking about not thinking about it. This can leave us feeling anxious or depressed. Conversely, the drama can be addictive. We might not want to quietly walk away into the sunset. After all, we worked so hard during our time in office, we think we deserve to preserve our legacy and offer your unsolicited advice to the new board. The fear of irrelevancy and the desire to still make an impact can forever chain us to the organization. And the drama that comes with it. The key is not to fall into either trap. We shouldn’t totally walk away from the organization, taking all of our knowledge and experience with us. But we should not insert ourselves into the organization so that those coming after us feel like their every move is being watched by an overly protective parent. We want to transition out of power that can both help the organization and boost our self-esteem.
Find a new place in the organization
Smart organizations create a role for past leaders. Perhaps being involved in the organization in a smaller way, e.g. as a non-voting member of the board, part of an advisory body, fundraising, scholarships, awards or nominations. Somewhere where your experience and skills can best benefit the organization. However, be careful. Being relegated to an irrelevant, ad-hoc committee created just for you can actually be more dispiriting than having no role at all. Being able to connect with the larger membership of the organization or foster new leaders is a great way to use the knowledge and experience you have in a beneficial way for the organization.
By adopting a new, less intense role in the organization, you can learn to relax and still be engaged. It also gives you the time you need to consider what you want to do next.
Make a plan before you leave
Find something that will occupy your time after your time as leader comes to an end. It doesn’t have to be as all-encompassing as that of a leader, but it should be enough to take your mind off your previous role and give you the ability to focus on something else. To give you a sense of moving forward and growing professionally or personally. For example, working with another organization, adopting a new hobby, or pursuing new educational opportunities. Be careful not to get too involved in the other activity while you are still with your current organization. But take some time while you are in office to consider what’s next and what that might involve. Are there any skills or any particular experience that you need? When you step down from your current organization, you will already be well prepared to pursue the next big thing.
Look inward before heading outward
Sometimes we aren’t able to find a new role in the organization or a new calling. Like it or not, leaving an organization can be like leaving a marriage or a job, and can create an empty feeling in us. We start to reflect on what we did or didn’t do in office, and we can easily start to doubt ourselves and the entire experience. Doubt, anger or anxiety can be a natural part of the grieving process as you leave the organization. It’s important to feel those feelings and recognize them—but not react to them. Doling out unsolicited advice to the board or trying to settle old scores is only going to prolong the pain and potentially damage the organization and your reputation. It can be difficult at times, but keeping quiet for a while can help us process these emotions and brings us to a better place to navigate a path forward. Make a commitment to yourself to hold back and hold your tongue for a few months. Don’t make any major plans either if it feels like you are doing it out of fear or boredom. Be patient with yourself. When you are calm and relaxed, new ideas and opportunities will arise that you hadn’t considered before. And it will be easier to say “Yes” to the next adventure.
Good leaders are hard to find. Or at least is seems that way. The problem is that we don’t have a good way of describing a true leader. There’s just something about the person that inspires us and makes us trust them. The secret is that good leaders reflect a delicate balance between warmth and strength.
Strength is more than words
Talking tough is easy. That’s because talk is cheap. Especially when promises can vanish like blast of hot air or be blown away with the winds of change.
What we *think* we want is someone who really “means what they say”. But what we *really* want is someone who is going to “do what is needed” in the moment.
A true leader isn’t someone who makes a bunch of promises that they never intend to fulfill. Nor is a true leader someone who makes promises that they are unwilling to adjust based on new information.
What we need is a person who has the strength of character to make difficult decisions that might not be popular but are the right thing to do. Leaders can often see a situation from a larger perspective and the see circumstances that many of us may not be able to see. We want to trust them to make the right decision. A true leader has the strength to put the needs of the many or the demands of history beyond our temporary desires and fears. That takes guts.
Warmth is not weakness
Like strength, warmth is more than just words. While we have a tendency to treat “tough talk” as the truth, we tend to discount “warm and fuzzy” words as “magical thinking”. That’s because it feels safer for us to believe the bad things and be pleasantly disappointed when things turn out better than we expected rather than putting our hopes on a positive outcome and then get disappointed when it doesn’t materialize. Humans are fragile, fickle and social creatures, and we are constantly seeking safety and security from the rest of society. It really does “take a village”.
A good leader makes us feel like we have been heard. It’s not that they necessarily will deliver what we want – or what we *think* we want – but more that a leader will take our hopes and fears into consideration when they make a decision. We know implicitly that our lone voice may not matter in the grand scheme of history, but a good leader can soften the blow and protect our fragile ego by making this less painful. A good leader is like a parent that can comfort their child in the face of a scary and hostile world. Whatever the outcome, painful or promising, a good leader will still make us feel like they have our back. And that feels warm and fuzzy.
Warmth + Strength = Winner
Warmth is really about listening. Listening to the hopes, fears and dreams of the leader’s supporters and critics. Strength is about acting. Taking those hopes and fears and using them to inform the decisions the leader may take. But too much of either is a recipe for disaster. A leader who is all strength isn’t actually listening to the circumstances around them. Neither the people nor the players involved in the situation. They “deliver what they promised”—regardless of whether it is good or bad for the group or country as a whole. These types of leaders are incapable of adjusting their viewpoint for fear of being perceived as “weak” or untrustworthy. Ultimately, they are more concerned about their own appearance than the actual needs of the larger group.
Conversely, a leader who is all warmth isn’t actually able to act. They are too caught up in the conflicting fears and demands of the group that they cannot make a decision without disappointing someone. These types of leaders are unable see the fleeting nature of the group’s fears and demands and lack the strength of character to do what might be needed, despite disappointing the larger group. Again, they are more concerned about their own appearance then the actual needs of the group.
That’s why the key to a successful leader is a person who can manage the egos of their followers—but more importantly—they can manage their own egos.
Every four years, I – like many other people – face the same issue: a ballot filled with unknown or uninspiring names of candidates for elections. It doesn’t matter whether it’s the local dog catcher or the president of the nation, being able to vote is a sacred rite and a precious civil right. It’s important to take it seriously. But how do I choose who to vote for so that I am not just checking off boxes based on the spelling or position of their name? More importantly, how do I vote for politicians so that I don’t end up being disappointed four years later?
#1 Do your homework
In this digitally connected world, where unlimited information is available at our finger tips, there is no excuse for not taking the time to research the candidates. Beyond the usually curated information available on the candidate’s website, a simple search on Google, Facebook or LinkedIn, etc. can unearth a plethora of information about the candidates’ experience, background and outlook. And if the candidate doesn’t have any social media presence or even a basic website, that should tell you something, i.e. they didn’t do their homework…
#2 Ignore the issues
Talk is cheap in politics. That’s why there is so much of it coming out of the mouths of politicians. The most valuable words are those that prompt voters to action. Politicians – and the media – can create all kinds of issues that drive voters to the polls and newspaper stands. But the fact is that the world is constantly in flux. Conditions change, and new, unanticipated issues may arise the day after the election. Similarly, the hot button, seemingly urgent issues of hidden emails, open romantic affairs or potential foreign threats often vanish from the media radar the day after polls close .
#3 Plans are meant to be broken
Just as the changing conditions in the world affect issues of the day, these changing conditions also change any plans a politician may have. A politician can present a highly detailed plan that might actually solve the issue only to find that political or economic circumstances require a change in plan. And that is if we are lucky. The last thing you want is a leader who isn’t able to change their plans or adjust their approach. Look for a politician who understands the art of negotiating and compromise. Politics is called the art of compromise, and a good politician knows how and when to do so.
#4 Decision-making is decisive
Politics is also sometimes called the art of the possible. But they key job of a leader is to understand what options are possible and to chose one. Decision-making never happens in a vacuum. The best option one day may be the worse option the next day. It takes incredible skill to make decisions on the fly as circumstances change. Look for a politician who can keep cool in a crisis but doesn’t dither when a decision needs to be made. Decision-making is easy to make when you aren’t the one making the decision.
#5 Accepting ambiguity is an asset
Sometimes the answers are not clear. Being able to patiently wait until you have more information to make a decision is critical. People prefer simple answers to complex questions, although those answers are usually wrong. A true leader understands the value of ambiguity and the strength of the complexity of an issue. Look for a politician who is curious by nature and open to learning. Few issues in this world have easy answers, and a wise leader understands that solutions often come slowly over time.
#6 See the big picture
Leaders lead everybody. Not just their own followers. It’s important to pick a person who can see the concerns of all of the constituents. They may not necessarily agree on the severity or solution to the problem, but it is important that they hear and understand the concerns of everyone. A good leader is playing a long game on a large playing field that includes all kinds of players. They understand that they cannot be all things to all people, but they can put the interests of the nation or group as a whole above their own personal interests. That their efforts are just one part in the march of history.
#7 Heavy doesn’t weigh the crown
Politicians are known for having big egos. It takes a lot to put yourself out there at the mercy of the general public. Losing can be brutal and crush a person’s spirit. Winning is is intoxicating. But just as much as we want the losing party to walk away graciously…we also want the winner to accept humbly. The job of leadership involves ego management. In addition to managing the other egos around the table, managing their own egos is the most important thing of all. Look for someone with the ability to laugh at themselves. These people are not magicians. They are fellow humans after all. They could be you…
Leadership is all about managing egos. The egos of the fellow board members or staff. But sometimes the hardest ego to manage is your own. We take criticism to heart and we may constantly suffer from a low-grade “imposter syndrome”. Who am I to be in this position? Those kinds of thoughts can sap your energy and enthusiasm or cloud your ability to make decisions independently.
What other people think of you is none of your business.
Even the ancient Romans understood this problem. That’s why they came up with the famous saying, “Illegitimi non carborundum”, or “don’t let the bastards bring you down”. Or as the famous drag queen RuPaul said, “What other people think of you is none of your business.”
This doesn’t mean to act like an overbearing tyrant that doesn’t listen to anybody else. It means to literally not let other people’s opinions about you undermine your confidence or ability as a leader. You can certainly doubt the decisions you might make, but making tough decisions is what every leader has to do. That’s why you’re the leader. To decide whether to turn left or right or speed up or slow down.
You can certainly doubt the decisions you might make, but making tough decisions is what every leader has to do. That’s why you’re the leader.
Everyone will have their advice on which way to turn. That’s their job as members of the organization. But don’t let people’s advice in terms of which way to turn or whether to speed up or slow down make you doubt your ability to drive the car. You are in the driver’s seat. Backseat driving is something that comes along for the ride. Ultimately, just keep your eyes on the road ahead and your hands on the wheel.
Running a meeting is like operating a piece of machinery with as many moving parts as there are people in the room. If participants in the meeting are distracted, they may not hear all the information they need to make the best decisions for the organization.
As the presider, you are in the driver’s seat. It is important to make sure that all parts of the equipment are running properly so that the decision-making machine can do its job – efficiently and effectively. Here are a few tips to keep all eyes on the road
1. Close and lock the doors
It is no surprise that people are inundated with information and electronic distraction. Emails, text messages, social media posts are all vying for attention and can actually block our ability to see what is happening right in front of our eyes. Do not be afraid to resort to luddite approaches to meetings by banning laptops, tablets or even phones from the meeting. The agenda of the meeting or the wording of a resolution is exactly the same when it appears on paper rather than on the screen. Alterations to these documents may actually require greater mindful attention.
The very same people who may object and cling to their devices or object to paper use are often the very same people who appreciate the greater concentration that comes from taking time away from electronic devices and working in a more “old school” manner.
2. Beep the horn gently
For some people, the addiction may be too great. Instead of turning off their phones they simply mute them, but still keep an eye on any messages. People facing laptops often have any number of windows running in background. Even if they aren’t actively engaging with the distractions, their roving eyes are not focusing on the discussion at hand.
If you notice people glancing at their phones, it is important to call it out as soon as possible. You don’t need to make it personal by calling out any particular offender directly. A gentle reminder such as “Members are reminded to avoid any distractions,” should do the trick.
3. Rev the engine slightly
If you find that there is one individual who is repeatedly distracted despite your best warnings, the next option is to bring them into discussion. Call on them first to address the next topic on the agenda. As the presider, you can start the discussion in a multitude of ways, e.g. by those who raise their hand first, by going around the table, or by calling on individuals. “We haven’t heard from Julie in a while, let’s start the discussion with her.” You can do this when they are clearly distracted or when they are not.
It might be awkward to call on a distracted meeting participant, and you might have to use the silent treatment while you wait for them to regain their focus. But consider that punishment for the distracted driving. The rewards are also great. When someone starts a conversation, they usually are more engaged in the subsequent discussion than when they are just one voice in the middle of many. You may find the distracted driver is now fully driving the conversation.
Heavy weighs the crown. Few people understand the weight and responsibility involved with being in charge of a group or an organization. Moreover, it is quite lonely at the top because few people have the perspective of being the one who is in charge of everything. It can be quite a daunting and slightly disorienting experience because you don’t know who to trust. And ultimately, you cannot trust anyone because you are the one who holds ultimate responsibility.
You can try rely on the advice of other people who may have held your position, but the circumstances may have changed. You can try to rely on someone outside the group entirely, but they often don’t understand the players involved and the issues at hand. In the end, the only person you can trust is yourself. And that is not easy for many of us…no matter how long we have to prepare for the role.
The words of King Fredrick X of Denmark, who took over the throne of the oldest monarchy in Europe with a scant 2 weeks notice when his mother Queen Margarethe II abdicated, provide some helpful insights. In a speech to the Danish people, he said,
I’m going to live in the moment, to understand destiny and I’m going to listen to the silence to find a way.
King Fredrick X of Denmark
Live in the Moment
This moment is all we have. The past is just a memory and the future is just a series of hopes and expectations. Ultimately, any decisions you make have to be based on the conditions you are currently in — even if those conditions include anxiety or ambiguity about the decisions. Obviously, making decisions based on what you think future conditions may be involves a high degree risk…and disappointment. However, if you are aware of your uncertainty abut the future or your ignorance of the current situation, it is easier to perhaps delay the decision and/or seek more information. Ultimately, however, recognizing your limitations in the present moment will help you to avoid disappointment later, and encourage greater diligence next time.
Understand Destiny
This moment may be all we have, but this moment inevitably has consequences. Those consequences can radiate out in all directions like pebble in a pond, and they can wash ashore in some unexpected places and with unexpected consequence. While we ultimately cannot control the outcome or effects of our actions, we do have control over our intentions. We can make decisions based on compassion for others; with the intention to do the most good for the most people. For the success of the organization as a whole instead of the interest of a few individuals. If the decision or action does not have results that we wanted, at least our intentions were in the right place.
Listen to the Silence
Just because it is lonely at the top doesn’t mean that it is silent. Indeed, we may be getting all kinds of advice from all directions and all kinds of people. One of the loudest voices we hear from is our own ego. It’s the voice that can be fearful of making a mistake, where we look bad. And it is the voice that equates the “right choice” with the one that will give us the most praise in return. The key is to avoid getting turned around by our ego and centering ourselves and your decisions in our heart. To literally listen to our hearts — what ultimately “feels” right in our heart — instead of listening to our head that may tell us otherwise.
With these few words of wisdom, the crown can weigh a little lighter.
“Decorum” has the same root as the word “decoration”: the frills and fixtures that make a room a pleasant place to be. In a meeting, decorum is what keeps the discussion polite and respectful. It includes not only what is said but also the way things are said. The order, the subject and the tone of discussion are all guided by rules of decorum. A debate without decorum is not “democracy” — it’s a disaster.
Don’t make it personal
The key to civilized discussion is to keep the the views and opinions on the issues at hand – not the people who hold those views and opinions. No matter how odious they may be. Meetings are filled with people with personalities that are based on the causes and conditions that create their own unique history of experience. And there isn’t much they can do about that. Some issues are going to be more relevant to some people than others. Blaming people for their experience with an issue, or lack thereof, is not only unhelpful, it’s also unfair.
Don’t question motives
This is related to the prohibition on making the debate personal. Assuming that someone is holding a specific view on an issue for a specific reason is very difficult to prove. Our reasons for holding our opinions can change like the winds based on what other people in the room may say or the stream of thoughts running through our head. Questioning the motives of your colleagues only opens the door for them to question your own motives.
Keep the language clean
Profanity is like a match that gets tossed into a volatile atmosphere. Some profanity ignites an immediate reaction that can quickly escalate and end up blowing up in your face. Other types of profanity are like a slow burn that leaves a lingering stench in the room. The bottom line is that if you think your language might possibly be too harsh – it definitely is. Always err on the side of caution and just watch your language.
Wait your turn
In addition to what you say, when you say something is also important. A good meeting leader will have a strategy to decide who gets to talk when. Hopefully, it will be structured allow all member and sides to equally address the issue. That is why it is important to avoid speaking out of turn, which may through off the balance of the debate.
Who gets to decide?
The speaker gets to set the tone of debate. They are the person who decides which comments constitute personal attacks, which words are profanity and who gets to speak when. A ruling by the speaker may be appealed by another member of the group, which usually ends up being put to a vote by all of the members of the assembly. The outcome of that vote ultimately has to be respected. That is the most important rule of all.
You know they are out there. They are like snipers sitting around the table. Ready to open fire with no warning. The moment they think that any rule might possibly have been broken. The price of their vigilance is intimidation. A nitpicker in the group can effectively shut down debate, as people prefer to say nothing than risk making a “mistake”.
Prioritizes process over substance
Monitoring the process of the meeting is the role of the group facilitator or chairperson. That leaves the other members in the group to focus on the content or topics being debated. But nitpickers can act like a second meeting leader and are often self-appointed. And while the extra pair of eyes and ears enforcing the rules can be helpful – nitpickers can bog down the meeting with debates on the rules instead of the issues. The nitpicker prioritizes process over substance.
Nitpickers lack a sense of subtilty and tend to see things in back and white. A wise leader understands that rules are not there for their own sake. They are there to ensure efficiency and fairness in the debate. To help guide the group to a decision. Sometime rules may need to be adapted for the greater good, e.g. speedy meetings or equal access for participants.
Hidden agendas and fears
Nitpickers may try to use the rules to shut down other opinions as a way to push through their agenda. A good group leader will enforce their authority as a neutral party to ensure fairness and trust in the system and defuse any emotion from the debate.
Nitpickers also use the rules as a screen to hide their own insecurities. Participants who are afraid to be on the “wrong” side of a debate will focus on the rules rather than make an actual decision. So, it can be a wise decision to strategically and purposefully call on them to express their opinion during the discussion – or after they pick a nit a bit too far.
This will bring their head out of the rulebook and get them more engaged in the substance of the debate. This can be a difficult position for them, particularly if they are on the “losing” side of a debate. Sometimes it is easier to engage them toward the end of the debate, when they have a better sense of the “winning” side. Calling on them a little earlier the next time will help to teach them to take greater risks at expressing themselves.
Do you have any nitpickers in your group? How do you handle them? Comment below!
“The fights are always vicious when the stakes are really low.” But the big issues fester silently… It is easy to debate the small stuff. Where there is no real money on the line, and no one has anything to lose. This kind of problem plagues nonprofits and other creative organizations. But it is tougher for groups to address larger, unspoken problems. Ones that involve serious discussion, thinking harder about creative solutions, or compromising on ideals we have long held. Few people want to open up that can of worms. Before you charge forward and try to tackle the elephant, consider a few key pieces of advice:
1. There is a time and place for everything
– Is there enough time left to discuss the issue? Bringing up difficult topics at the end of a meeting just leaves everybody with a bad feeling and a sense of foreboding for what comes next. Thorny topics are best addressed at the beginning of the meeting, when people have the mental energy to tackle them and generate solutions.
2. Have a clear target
– Picking fights on intangible topics is asking for trouble. Open-ended questions (e.g. “What is our mission?”) with no clear answer go nowhere but down. It is best to break these questions down into concrete segments that might be answered with a yes or no. “Which projects are worth going over budget?” could help clarify the mission for the organization.
3. Do not make it personal
– Dealing with difficult members of the group can be extremely dangerous. Humans have fragile emotions and bringing up issues without careful consideration can damage the dynamics of a group—permanently. Be sure to consult someone with experience in this area—not least a lawyer—in case the issue goes from the frying pan to the fire. Addressing bad behavior or problematic members are best done in writing, so that there is a clear paper trail of who said what.
So when you are in the jungle of debate, don’t be afraid to go after the wild things…but be prepared!
For more strategies and resources for dealing with difficult topics, check out theService and Solutionspage at Boardroom Buddha.
When the Drama Queen starts to speak, it’s a mixture of fear and fascination. It’s a performance. And you are a captive audience. They have you exactly where they want.
These people wear their heart on their sleeve, which they use to wipe aware the tears that flow every time they open their mouth. The goal of the Drama Queen is to get a reaction from the audience. They will talk endlessly until they feel like they have “connected” with the audience.
They will also seek validation by adding or creating drama to an issue. The results are either more conflict at the meeting—or more likely—leaving the audience speechless from fatigue. Either way, the Drama Queen steals the spotlight from the discussion.
Exit Stage Right…
The real audience for the Drama Queen is themselves. These people are unsure of their opinions, and Drama Queens crave external validation. Don’t give it to them. Without any applause or feedback, they will learn that their performance doesn’t get them anywhere. They have to learn to trust themselves.
Asking a Drama Queen for their opinion is asking for trouble. Don’t give them a stage. They will create their own drama – try to avoid adding to it. Thank them plainly for their input and move on.
Drama Queens are often unaware of anything but themselves and least of all the time. They often rely on others to steer them. Don’t hesitate to tell them bluntly that time has run out...even if it’s a few seconds early.
The internal spotlight of the Drama Queens blinds them to the needs of others around them. Reminding them that “It’s important that we hear from other people” is their cue to exit the stage.
Drama Queens naturally take direction. When they learn to give up the tears and theatrics and present ideas – give them a big round of applause. Reward the ideas not the performance.
