Good leaders are hard to find. Or at least is seems that way. The problem is that we don’t have a good way of describing a true leader. There’s just something about the person that inspires us and makes us trust them. The secret is that good leaders reflect a delicate balance between warmth and strength.

Strength is more than words

Talking tough is easy. That’s because talk is cheap. Especially when promises can vanish like blast of hot air or be blown away with the winds of change.

What we *think* we want is someone who really “means what they say”. But what we *really* want is someone who is going to “do what is needed” in the moment.

A true leader isn’t someone who makes a bunch of promises that they never intend to fulfill. Nor is a true leader someone who makes promises that they are unwilling to adjust based on new information.

What we need is a person who has the strength of character to make difficult decisions that might not be popular but are the right thing to do. Leaders can often see a situation from a larger perspective and the see circumstances that many of us may not be able to see. We want to trust them to make the right decision. A true leader has the strength to put the needs of the many or the demands of history beyond our temporary desires and fears. That takes guts.

Warmth is not weakness

Like strength, warmth is more than just words. While we have a tendency to treat “tough talk” as the truth, we tend to discount “warm and fuzzy” words as “magical thinking”. That’s because it feels safer for us to believe the bad things and be pleasantly disappointed when things turn out better than we expected rather than putting our hopes on a positive outcome and then get disappointed when it doesn’t materialize. Humans are fragile, fickle and social creatures, and we are constantly seeking safety and security from the rest of society. It really does “take a village”.

A good leader makes us feel like we have been heard. It’s not that they necessarily will deliver what we want – or what we *think* we want – but more that a leader will take our hopes and fears into consideration when they make a decision. We know implicitly that our lone voice may not matter in the grand scheme of history, but a good leader can soften the blow and protect our fragile ego by making this less painful. A good leader is like a parent that can comfort their child in the face of a scary and hostile world. Whatever the outcome, painful or promising, a good leader will still make us feel like they have our back. And that feels warm and fuzzy.

Warmth + Strength = Winner

Warmth is really about listening. Listening to the hopes, fears and dreams of the leader’s supporters and critics. Strength is about acting. Taking those hopes and fears and using them to inform the decisions the leader may take. But too much of either is a recipe for disaster.
A leader who is all strength isn’t actually listening to the circumstances around them. Neither the people nor the players involved in the situation. They “deliver what they promised”—regardless of whether it is good or bad for the group or country as a whole. These types of leaders are incapable of adjusting their viewpoint for fear of being perceived as “weak” or untrustworthy. Ultimately, they are more concerned about their own appearance than the actual needs of the larger group.

Conversely, a leader who is all warmth isn’t actually able to act. They are too caught up in the conflicting fears and demands of the group that they cannot make a decision without disappointing someone. These types of leaders are unable see the fleeting nature of the group’s fears and demands and lack the strength of character to do what might be needed, despite disappointing the larger group. Again, they are more concerned about their own appearance then the actual needs of the group.

That’s why the key to a successful leader is a person who can manage the egos of their followers—but more importantly—they can manage their own egos.